1. Find Your Gloves: This morning I went into my closet and a mitton fell on my head. Basically someone was saying, “Hello idiot it’s going to snow, you need a mitton!” If only that person would locate my matching mitton. Why does that always happen?? No one wants just one!! I digress. In a storm it is imperative that you find your winter accessories such as your hats, gloves, mittons and snow scarves (the ones your grandma knit not the other kind) and put them in an easy to access location. You need these things to clean off your car or get into a snowball fight.
2. Make a grocery list: Wine is not the only good group you will need. Organize your list by breakfast, lunch and dinner. Multiply your meals by estimated days in captivity and then again by the number of people in prison. Always remember to add 2 bottles of wine per person as a precaution. No one wants to re-live the epic Chardonnay meltdown of 2012.
3. Have Activities: Once upon a time there were these paper things called books and we read them before TV or radio came along. Think about it, you will be stuck inside for hours and eventually you will be sick of TV or your eyes will give up. It will happen. Get a book or art project or board game. You’d be surprised how old TV and napping can get. I know, blasphemy.
4. Locate your shovel: This is key but sometimes you forget the obvious. It’s happened to me. I used a broom once. Don’t do that.
5. Buy Snow Boots: It’s amazing to me that people actually wear sneakers. This is a beyond terrible idea. Don’t do it!
6. Have a Vice: TRUST ME! Once I travelled 6 miles in a blizzard for coffee. It was horrible. It was really 6 blocks but that was horrible. Coffee. Diet Coke. Whatever it is, go get it now. Don’t complain to me when you start crying in a fit of insanity tomorrow around 11am Saturday morning! Go. Now.
7. Give the Diet a Break: Blizzards are not the time to be mad at yourself about food. You are bored, cold, tired and cranky. Forcing yourself to be trapped in a house for days with snacks you can’t have is no good for anyone! That’s horrendous. Be mindful but also be nice to yourself and have some hot cocoa.
8. Shoveling is Cardio: Last year some kids asked to shovel my sidewalk and I had to say, “Step off youngin, I’ve eaten 4 packs of oreos and need to work it off.” Rude? Maybe but my health comes first.
9. Have Alone Time: No one wants to be on the next installment of Making a Murderer so do yourself a favor and escape if you can. Lock the door and dissappear for 20 minutes. Too much togetherness=agitation=murder.
10. DON’T FORGET THE WINE! or water is ok too.
Well, hope these tips were helpful. Enjoy the Snow!!
I’ll be here, obviously.
Any and all comments can be directed to the Jonas Brothers as they are running the show.