Christmas Letter 2015

Christmas Letter 2015
8th Edition

As I sit in my delightfully oversized seat on the Amtrak 84 train from Virginia to NYC the thought comes to mind, “What shall I do on this 5 hour ride?” Sleep? No. Read? No, I get motion sick when I read and they haven’t cleaned the bathroom since ‘96. After immersing myself deep into thought, eureka! I will write the Christmas letter to end all Christmas letters. JK Rowling created Harry Potter on a train so naturally trains are where million dollar ideas happen! This is brilliant so without further ado, let’s commence with the best year yet…

Travel has been the theme of 2015. To be honest I’m a little exhausted just thinking about it but only snotty people say that so I won’t. In January I left for a much needed one day vacation to the Dominican Republic. I’m fairly certain that the flight took more time than the vacation but duty called from Orlando where I had a mandatory meeting. Luckily for those enduring my post vacation blues Harry Potter World was on the meeting agenda so wrongs were righted. (It’s almost as if JK Rowling knew I was going to write this letter!)

My next trip was a makeup cruise with Mom and Bryn to Key West and Cozumel. I learned that I like cruises and that the sun still plays hilarious jokes on my pale skin, touché sun. Once again I had a mandatory meeting during my vacation only this time it was in Las Vegas. I will go if I must. Flying through LA had its perks as I was seated next to the manager of the ‘Thunder from Down Under’ and scored some free tickets to the show. Calm down and splash some water on your face, it’s only an accent! Plus after seeing Magic Mike XXL four times in theatres I determined I preferred movie screens to live shows anyway.

In early May my Dad came to see the house, landscape the front yard and go on a whiskey tour. In July my Mom came to visit and forced me into the same indentured servitude that was my childhood. When is Dad coming back? I thought we would have some relaxation by the pool but Anne had other ideas. I love her but I always need a few recovery days after she leaves.

August brought the wedding of my friends James and Michelle where I danced the night away. Thankfully the rest of August was low key because September was insane. We kicked September off with a trip to Milwaukee followed by a trip to the beach for Whitney and Raul’s Spanish-American Wedding Extravaganza. A few days later I was off to London for a week. I learned that they have free Wi-Fi in bars, which is awesome, and that I miss my English people so I will have to return sooner rather than later. England is still very rainy in case anyone was wondering.

I feel like I’m forgetting something. Hmm what could it be? Oh yes. In March I went on one of those online date things. We’d been talking for a while but he never asked me out so naturally I thought he was a nut job; a funny, cute nut job. We went for sushi where he informed me that he hated sushi but thought I would like it so points for him, cuz I do! Maybe it was a match made in Sticky Rice heaven, love at first sight, or the beer, but Jonathan from Farmville (as he will henceforth be called) ended up my boyfriend and without a doubt the best thing that happened all year. Wish him luck when he comes home for Christmas!

The yearly review is coming to an end as I embark on my final trip of the year to NYC! My good friends Ruth and Doug are getting married and I’m off to celebrate with them. Thanks to Jonathan from Farmville and all my friends and family for making 2015 great and for keeping me slightly sane through all its ups and downs. Wine, I’d like to thank you most of all. Till next time, have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

~Erin

Dear Stomach,

We used to be friends but our friendship is no more.  When did you turn against me?  Maybe its my fault, I felt you distance yourself from me when I turned 26.  I chose to ignore it then but I can ignore it no longer.

Gone are the days I can thoughtlessly order a flight of beer for you without a revolt.  Gone are the days I can eat spicy foods with out having to buy stock in Rolaids.  As for watermelon sangria, forget about it.  And white wine, it’s not going to go over well.

You used to be such a trooper back in college.  I don’t appreciate you turning on me.  So, since you did not provide me written 30 day notice of changes per our contract, you will be hearing from my lawyer. 

I’m sorry it had to come to this.

Thank you,

~E

A Letter to Hipsters

Dear Hipsters,

I would like to start by saying that I am not one of those people who hates hipsters because it’s ‘cool to hate a hipster.’  That’s not how I operate.  I like to meet people on an individual basis before I decide if I want to hate them or not.  I am merely a regular person with a few issues I would like to address, as well as some suggestions for us moving forward in a positive space.

There are many things that I like about hipsters and that I would like to applaud and encourage.  First, you promote clean and healthy eating, always a plus.  Sure I could go to McDonalds for $1.99 but sometimes I like to think that the food I am eating is healthy instead of slowly killing me.  This is why occasionally I am willing to spend $30 on a non-alcoholic breakfast.  Now, I need to point out that I said ‘occasionally willing to spend’ because I do feel that you need to examine the need to charge more than Starbucks for coffee.  Charging $6 for plain coffee means it better be gold-plated.

Second, I actually do not mind that you have man buns or that you purchase man buns online.  I do not mind that you wear brightly colored pants that are so tight that they could interfere with your child rearing abilities.  I do not mind these things.  Fashion is personal and I don’t have to date you.  For that matter I applaud your artistic work and the colorfulness you bring to the world on your bikes, on your pants, in your hair, etc.

Thus far I have been a supporter of the hipster’s quest to improve the health and wellness of the planet while charging obscene prices for everything.  However, last week my feelings changed.  Typically I don’t mind some cauliflower in my omelet or kale in my juice but you’ve taken it upon yourself to redefine basic food guidelines and enough is enough.

Last weekend I went out to eat at a nice restaurant.  I knew going in that my meal would be expensive and I didn’t even mind that we were eating on benches and not chairs (FYI totally not the same thing nor acceptable!)   As I am looking over the menu at the different options I plan my budget and choose wisely.  For starters, I limit myself to 2 beers for $7 each and 3 oysters at $3 each; expensive but anticipated.  For my entrée I chose a fancy chicken sandwich and because I had been eating like garbage disposal all week I decided to choose the salad over fries.

Salad, have you heard of it?  At its core salad contains lettuce or spinach, maybe some spring greens or arugula.  Once the creator of said salad has chosen their leafy vegetable they decide on appropriate toppings like vegetables or nuts and select a nice dressing.  It’s not that hard.  There are a million different variations on salad that are deemed appropriate but it is here, my hipster compadre, where you have failed me.  Parsley is NOT an appropriate mixed green or leafy vegetable!  Neither is cilantro and worst of all, you rounded out my salad with…wait for it…mint leaves.  These are all delightful garnishes that might accompany a salad but they are certainly not THE salad.  I was served an entire ‘salad’ made out of parsley, cilantro and mint leaves.  Not even a dressing, noooooooo, just a few sunflower seeds on the side.  This is ridiculous!!  This is NOT appropriate and this is completely uncalled for?  What did I ever do to you to deserve this?

So, dear hipsters, just because something is ‘redefining’ or ‘imaginative’ that does not mean that it is a good idea and that people actually want to see it or eat it.  This is why people hate you.  Things have gone a little too far in the creativity department and I’m going to need you to pull back a little for the sake of humanity.

Sincerely,

~E

PS In case you need some direction, here is a link to a salad cookbook and kindle if you need convenance!